I am actually trying to blog while Jess is driving. I don’t know what’s more scary not looking at the road or looking at it. At one point I was talking to her and tried to put my hand on the steering wheel in front of me – which, for obvious reasons was not there.
After arriving it was fairly easy to get rough the airport and call the people to pick us up so we could get the rental car. At the place we added me as a driver – just in case and it only cost $1 a day. That would never fly at home. As it turns out we flew around the world to drive the fabulous Ford Fiesta.
Wow. Oh wait, a Ford Fiesta with the most slippery floor mats in the world! I don’t know if they armor all them, grease them up with something or what but these are the most slippery mats ever. We headed to the hostel and decided to stop for money on the way – just in case there was a toll road like in Spain costing us 30 something dollars. I slip in my TDBank card (the most inconvenient bank in the world) and hold my breath. Luckily there are no issues except for me forgetting if the money is in checking or savings. I run back to the car and ask Jess and then go and take the money out. We get back on the road and head towards Auckland. For some reason Jess doesn’t want to listen to the GPS lady or me with the google directions and we now take an extended tour around Auckland via the Southern Motorway. After an additional 20 minutes of driving – due to a new road layout we arrive at the hostel, Freeman’s Lodge. The woman who is the owner is very excited to see us and let’s us in. I think she’s just excited in general but it feels good to say she’s excited by us. Who wouldn’t be? The main rule of the house – can’t walk around with your shoes on. She’s complaining to us that it is so cold right now and everyone is freezing. Maybe it’s because you’re barefoot, lady. We get in and get all the local information from her and get to our room – which has the windows open – yet another reason why she might be cold, and we bum around for a little while we decide what to do. Eventually we decide on lunch the Skytower – the tallest building in the southern hemisphere. Jess the dealseeker has decided that it would be best for us to get lunch there because it is $28 just to go to the observation deck and $30 minimum per person to get lunch and it gets you on the deck. No brainer.
I have to say, I wasn’t very impressed with the city. It’s really kind of dirty, modern looking and lots of weird people everywhere. But I will get back to that later. The weather was perfect and so we head to the tower. We get in and head up in the elevator which has a glass floor. It was really cool watching the floor drop away from you as you got higher and higher up the elevator. The restaurant is like Windows on the World and rotates as you eat so you get different views of the city throughout your entire meal. The city is laid out real nicely around the port and the views were pretty awesome, including the top of a volcano (which I think is inactive). It was little difficult to enjoy at first as I was getting motion sickness – fast and bouncey doesn’t bother me, slow for some reason does. Jess absolutely loved her meal stating that it may have been one of the best in her life. I’m thinking, oh shit, best meal ever, on top of the tallest building in the southern hemisphere…this trip can only go downhill from here.
We finish eating and head to the observation deck. It’s pretty sweet – except for the high school and their singing jerkoff chorus. Yes, you’re in HS and you can sing. Actually, they can sing very well, however, I’m not really sure I or anyone else wants to hear them. So we take pictures to the beautiful sounds of Assface HS. There were a few spots with glass openings you can walk on - glass that’s 38 cm thick. Pretty cool looking all the way to the street.
You can jump off the tower for a large fee – well, I’m sure you could jump for free but that won’t be controlled like this is. It was fun watching people jump of – one was held just in front of the windows, waved and then plummeted the rest of the way.
When we were done, Jess got to get her tea at Starbucks (I hate that f’n place) and we decided to check out some more of the city. There’s really not that much here – especially with it not being that old and all. Our house is older than some of the historic buildings. We head down to the piers and see this guy run by. We get to the end and he’s there again only this time, Jess sits down and he like stops five feet from her and starts his aerobics/yoga/douche routine.
One of the walks we wanted to do was real far from the hostel and we wanted to hit a geocache – so we wouldn’t have that hanging over our heads so we headed back to the hostel to find some in the city and found one not too far from the place in a nice little park with good views. We headed back to figure out what to do next. Mistake. Once we stopped moving I was done and began dozing in and out of sleep for half an hour.
Somewhere during that time we decided to go to the Japanese place down the block for dinner…which of course, was closed for renovations. In case you didn’t catch the sarcasm, this has happened before. Though Jess denies it I know she wanted Mexican food so we headed over to that place in the city centre.
We didn’t want to wait so we said we’d eat at the bar. After attempting to drink there, Jess decided that she wanted a seat because the bar was too high and uncomfortable for her to reach…so, we’re getting a table. The bartender (who looks like Jason Mewes) tells me to tell the waitress what drinks we got (because we didn’t pay him) and this crazy Portuguese lady starts accosting the hostess, getting all up in her face, straight up ghetto, “Tell me where I am on the list” and she’s literally in her face yelling and she pushes her. This would not fly at home. Either she’d have to throw down or they would have kicked her out end of the story. I’m thinking “I’m really tired and if she gets out of control I might have to take her down”. Her daughter is pleading with her to stop and the hostess finally walks away. About five minutes later, they seat her! We couldn’t believe it. We get seated a few minutes later and are subsequently served by the most retarded and dumb waitress ever. Now, I would like to apologize to retarded and dumb people everywhere because, well, she makes them look bad. I tell her that we didn’t pay for the drinks yet and she replies “Well that’s very honest of you” with that stupid look those two women used to have on on SNL. Can’t think of their names or characters but I think you know who I am talking about. After a while she comes back to take our order – and a while later comes out with the food. Of course, what Jess ordered did not say that there was some kind of dressing on it. It, looks creamy and Jess calls her over to ask what’s in it and tells her that she cannot have dairy. She has a totally blank look on her face and says “I don’t know.” We stare at her and she says, :”I can go ask”. Yes, thank you. She comes back a few minutes later same dumbass look – I’m already chomping on my ridiculously overpriced shitty fajitas and she says, “They said there’s no dairy in it.” I’m thinking, “Who’s they?” and Jess asks her what’s in it and she says, with the ‘I sort glass look’ “Uh, mustard, uh eggs…” Jess says, “Eggs are dairy. I can’t eat this. Can I have another but with just salsa on it instead?” She stops, wipes the drool from one side of her mouth, looks around all confused and says. “Uh, yeah, I think I can do that, ok.” I’m waiting for another overly priced beer which takes her a while to get to and another server brings out Jess’ food. Terrible. Everyone is just a bit off in this city.
On the walk back to the hostel we see more and more weirdos and Jess thinks it stands out more because it’s so close to being like the US and they speak English. I reply that’s it’s nothing like the US, they drive on the wrong side of the fucking road and they’re all a bit off. I wonder if NZ was a penal colony as well because that could explain why they all just a little wacky. It’s just a little – like 2-5 degrees but its noticeable.
After arriving it was fairly easy to get rough the airport and call the people to pick us up so we could get the rental car. At the place we added me as a driver – just in case and it only cost $1 a day. That would never fly at home. As it turns out we flew around the world to drive the fabulous Ford Fiesta.
Wow. Oh wait, a Ford Fiesta with the most slippery floor mats in the world! I don’t know if they armor all them, grease them up with something or what but these are the most slippery mats ever. We headed to the hostel and decided to stop for money on the way – just in case there was a toll road like in Spain costing us 30 something dollars. I slip in my TDBank card (the most inconvenient bank in the world) and hold my breath. Luckily there are no issues except for me forgetting if the money is in checking or savings. I run back to the car and ask Jess and then go and take the money out. We get back on the road and head towards Auckland. For some reason Jess doesn’t want to listen to the GPS lady or me with the google directions and we now take an extended tour around Auckland via the Southern Motorway. After an additional 20 minutes of driving – due to a new road layout we arrive at the hostel, Freeman’s Lodge. The woman who is the owner is very excited to see us and let’s us in. I think she’s just excited in general but it feels good to say she’s excited by us. Who wouldn’t be? The main rule of the house – can’t walk around with your shoes on. She’s complaining to us that it is so cold right now and everyone is freezing. Maybe it’s because you’re barefoot, lady. We get in and get all the local information from her and get to our room – which has the windows open – yet another reason why she might be cold, and we bum around for a little while we decide what to do. Eventually we decide on lunch the Skytower – the tallest building in the southern hemisphere. Jess the dealseeker has decided that it would be best for us to get lunch there because it is $28 just to go to the observation deck and $30 minimum per person to get lunch and it gets you on the deck. No brainer.
I have to say, I wasn’t very impressed with the city. It’s really kind of dirty, modern looking and lots of weird people everywhere. But I will get back to that later. The weather was perfect and so we head to the tower. We get in and head up in the elevator which has a glass floor. It was really cool watching the floor drop away from you as you got higher and higher up the elevator. The restaurant is like Windows on the World and rotates as you eat so you get different views of the city throughout your entire meal. The city is laid out real nicely around the port and the views were pretty awesome, including the top of a volcano (which I think is inactive). It was little difficult to enjoy at first as I was getting motion sickness – fast and bouncey doesn’t bother me, slow for some reason does. Jess absolutely loved her meal stating that it may have been one of the best in her life. I’m thinking, oh shit, best meal ever, on top of the tallest building in the southern hemisphere…this trip can only go downhill from here.
We finish eating and head to the observation deck. It’s pretty sweet – except for the high school and their singing jerkoff chorus. Yes, you’re in HS and you can sing. Actually, they can sing very well, however, I’m not really sure I or anyone else wants to hear them. So we take pictures to the beautiful sounds of Assface HS. There were a few spots with glass openings you can walk on - glass that’s 38 cm thick. Pretty cool looking all the way to the street.
You can jump off the tower for a large fee – well, I’m sure you could jump for free but that won’t be controlled like this is. It was fun watching people jump of – one was held just in front of the windows, waved and then plummeted the rest of the way.
When we were done, Jess got to get her tea at Starbucks (I hate that f’n place) and we decided to check out some more of the city. There’s really not that much here – especially with it not being that old and all. Our house is older than some of the historic buildings. We head down to the piers and see this guy run by. We get to the end and he’s there again only this time, Jess sits down and he like stops five feet from her and starts his aerobics/yoga/douche routine.
One of the walks we wanted to do was real far from the hostel and we wanted to hit a geocache – so we wouldn’t have that hanging over our heads so we headed back to the hostel to find some in the city and found one not too far from the place in a nice little park with good views. We headed back to figure out what to do next. Mistake. Once we stopped moving I was done and began dozing in and out of sleep for half an hour.
Somewhere during that time we decided to go to the Japanese place down the block for dinner…which of course, was closed for renovations. In case you didn’t catch the sarcasm, this has happened before. Though Jess denies it I know she wanted Mexican food so we headed over to that place in the city centre.
We didn’t want to wait so we said we’d eat at the bar. After attempting to drink there, Jess decided that she wanted a seat because the bar was too high and uncomfortable for her to reach…so, we’re getting a table. The bartender (who looks like Jason Mewes) tells me to tell the waitress what drinks we got (because we didn’t pay him) and this crazy Portuguese lady starts accosting the hostess, getting all up in her face, straight up ghetto, “Tell me where I am on the list” and she’s literally in her face yelling and she pushes her. This would not fly at home. Either she’d have to throw down or they would have kicked her out end of the story. I’m thinking “I’m really tired and if she gets out of control I might have to take her down”. Her daughter is pleading with her to stop and the hostess finally walks away. About five minutes later, they seat her! We couldn’t believe it. We get seated a few minutes later and are subsequently served by the most retarded and dumb waitress ever. Now, I would like to apologize to retarded and dumb people everywhere because, well, she makes them look bad. I tell her that we didn’t pay for the drinks yet and she replies “Well that’s very honest of you” with that stupid look those two women used to have on on SNL. Can’t think of their names or characters but I think you know who I am talking about. After a while she comes back to take our order – and a while later comes out with the food. Of course, what Jess ordered did not say that there was some kind of dressing on it. It, looks creamy and Jess calls her over to ask what’s in it and tells her that she cannot have dairy. She has a totally blank look on her face and says “I don’t know.” We stare at her and she says, :”I can go ask”. Yes, thank you. She comes back a few minutes later same dumbass look – I’m already chomping on my ridiculously overpriced shitty fajitas and she says, “They said there’s no dairy in it.” I’m thinking, “Who’s they?” and Jess asks her what’s in it and she says, with the ‘I sort glass look’ “Uh, mustard, uh eggs…” Jess says, “Eggs are dairy. I can’t eat this. Can I have another but with just salsa on it instead?” She stops, wipes the drool from one side of her mouth, looks around all confused and says. “Uh, yeah, I think I can do that, ok.” I’m waiting for another overly priced beer which takes her a while to get to and another server brings out Jess’ food. Terrible. Everyone is just a bit off in this city.
On the walk back to the hostel we see more and more weirdos and Jess thinks it stands out more because it’s so close to being like the US and they speak English. I reply that’s it’s nothing like the US, they drive on the wrong side of the fucking road and they’re all a bit off. I wonder if NZ was a penal colony as well because that could explain why they all just a little wacky. It’s just a little – like 2-5 degrees but its noticeable.
Love it! Thanks for the tour of Auckland...sounds like basically...now I never ever need to go there. I am glad you took one for the team. Be sure that Jess knows that her new meal with "just salsa" very likely also contained saliva or some other bodily fluid. I felt like I was going to barf my coffee when I looked at the picture of Jess standing on the glass and I look forward to more pics of Flat Slag. LOL! P.S. No matter how bad things get in Auckland...don't take the free trip off the Sky Tower. ~k
Ford Fiesta is making a come back! Emme sat and listened to almost half of the post! I hope more bad stuff happends!!! Thats the most funny stuff! :)
"We head down to the piers and see this guy run by. We get to the end and he’s there again only this time, Jess sits down and he like stops five feet from her and starts his aerobics/yoga/douche routine." - priceless.